暗网禁区

Lost in the desert for three days, a man suddenly hears, 鈥淢ush!鈥�

Looking up, he sees what he thinks is a mirage: an Eskimo on a sled, driving a team of
huskies. To his surprise, the sled comes to a stop at his feet seconds later.

鈥淚 don鈥檛 know why 测辞耻鈥檙别 here, but thank goodness,鈥� the man says. 鈥淚鈥檝e been lost for days.鈥�

Panting, the Eskimo replies, 鈥淵ou think 测辞耻鈥檙别 濒辞蝉迟?鈥�



ROBERT LUTZ

鈥淎 hamburger and fries,鈥� a man orders. 鈥淢e too,鈥� says the ostrich sitting beside him.

鈥淭hat鈥檚 $9.40,鈥� the waitress says. The man reaches into his pocket and hands her the exact change.

They return the next day. Both order a steak and potato, and again the man pays with exact change.

鈥淗ow do you do that?鈥� the waitress asks.

鈥淎 genie granted me two wishes,鈥� explains the man. 鈥淢y first was that I鈥檇 always have the right amount of money to pay for anything.鈥�

鈥淏rilliant! But what鈥檚 with the ostrich?鈥�

鈥淢y second wish was for an exotic chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.鈥�




EDWARD M. JEAN

A Dangerous Compound Found in Vietnam!


The chemical compound dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) is 鈥渃olorless, odorless and kills thousands of people every year鈥� through 鈥渁ccidental inhalation鈥�, read a widely circulated email, calling for a ban. Furthermore, it was now 鈥渁 major component of
acid rain鈥� that鈥檚 鈥渇ound in almost every stream, lake and reservoir.鈥�






DHMO is actually a rarely used chemical name for water.

Got bored today playing on the laptop,
Is anyone good at puzzles?

the army delivered my bread order today, tea n toast tomorrow morning. Life is good!

goodolboy wrote:

the army delivered my bread order today, tea n toast tomorrow morning. Life is good!


Jammy sod..
Here bread is like gold dust, neither Vinmart ever had any and the only locals shop that does is a trip to Thao Dien .

Even Mega Market is a no go, checkpoints in place and if you get caught you have to pay..

Someone I know who runs a homestay a couple of KMs down the road for given government cash 69usd per room.. with 7 occupied rooms a nice little bonus

goodolboy wrote:

the army delivered my bread order today, tea n toast tomorrow morning. Life is good!

good job you can freeze it and still make toast

Jlgarbutt wrote:

goodolboy wrote:

the army delivered my bread order today, tea n toast tomorrow morning. Life is good!


Jammy sod..
Here bread is like gold dust, neither Vinmart ever had any and the only locals shop that does is a trip to Thao Dien .

Even Mega Market is a no go, checkpoints in place and if you get caught you have to pay..

Someone I know who runs a homestay a couple of KMs down the road for given government cash 69usd per room.. with 7 occupied rooms a nice little bonus

My GF has a great recipe if you have somethig to cook it in,,,

Jlgarbutt wrote:

Got bored today playing on the laptop,
Is anyone good at puzzles?

took a while but got there ......................"with a couple of hands"

WOOING TECHNIQUE

Three male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful female poodle. They all scramble to reach her first but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

Aware of her obvious effect on the suitors, she tells them, 鈥淭he first one who uses the words liver and cheese together in an imaginative sentence can go out with me.鈥�

鈥淚 love liver and cheese!鈥� the golden retriever blurts out.

鈥淥h, how childish,鈥� says the poodle.

The Labrador tries next. 鈥淯m. I hate liver and cheese?鈥�

鈥淢y, my,鈥� says the poodle. 鈥淚 guess it鈥檚 hopeless.鈥�

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 鈥淗ow about you, little guy?鈥�

The Yorkie, tiny in stature but big in finesse, gives her a smile and a sly wink, turns to the other dogs, and says, 鈥淟iver alone 鈥� cheese mine!鈥�





Planetproctor.com

Some Lockdown Laughter...馃槀

鈥� Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money. 馃槃

鈥� Never thought my hands would one day consume more alcohol than my liver... ever!馃槤

鈥� Lock down seems like a Netflix series: just when you think it's over, they release the next season.馃ぉ

鈥� I鈥檓 starting to like this mask thing. I went to the supermarket yesterday and two people that I owe money to didn鈥檛 recognise me. 馃お

鈥� Those complaining that we didn鈥檛 have enough holidays, what now? 馃槏

鈥� I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive for excess weight! 馃構

鈥� I鈥檓 not planning on adding 2020 to my age. I didn鈥檛 even use it! I don't know about 2021. Does it exist?馃榿

鈥� We want to publicly apologise to the year 2019 for all the bad things we said about it. 馃槂

鈥� To all the ladies who were praying for their husbands to spend more time with them 鈥� how are you doing? 馃ぃ

鈥� My washing machine only accepts pyjamas these days. I put in a pair of jeans and a message popped up : 鈥淪tay Home" 馃槀

2019: Avoid negative people

2020: Avoid positive people

2021: Avoid people because you don鈥檛 know if they are positive or negative

Can't wait for 2022!!

In the meantime.. have a relaxing day馃グ馃拑馃寛馃尰

Baseball teams:

I am a yankees fan,鈥� a first-grade teacher explains to her class. 鈥淲ho likes the Yankees?鈥�

Everyone raises a hand except one little girl.

鈥淛anie,鈥� the teacher says, surprised. 鈥淲hy didn鈥檛 you raise your hand?鈥�

鈥淚鈥檓 not a Yankees fan.鈥�

鈥淲ell, if you are not a Yankees fan, then what team do you like?鈥�

鈥淭he Red Sox,鈥� Janie answers.

鈥淲hy in the world are you a Red Sox fan?鈥�

鈥淏ecause my mom and dad are Red Sox fans.鈥�

鈥淭hat鈥檚 no reason to be a Red Sox fan,鈥� the teacher replies, annoyed. 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 always have to be just like your parents. What if your mom and dad were morons? What would you be then?鈥�

鈥淎 Yankees fan.鈥�




by TOM ZAHN

Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

鈥淲ell,鈥� the director said, 鈥渨e fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a聽 bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub.鈥�

鈥淚 get it,鈥� the visitor said. 鈥淎 normal person would use the bucket because it鈥檚 the biggest.鈥�

鈥淣o,鈥� the director said. 鈥淎 normal person would pull the plug.鈥�



by JOSH ROBERTS

A man is walking down the sidewalk along a wall that is known to enclose an insane asylum.

As he walks, he hears people chanting on the other side of the wall enthusiastically shouting, "Twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve...." Curious, he stops to listen. While standing there, he sees a hole in the wall and puts his eye to the hole to see if he can see what's going on behind the wall.

Immediately, a sharp stick comes through the wall and pokes him in the eye. The chanting resumes, "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen. . . . ."

- Why are there no knock knock jokes about Pavlov?



... Because he always rings the bell.

Why arnt the chinese any good at cricket?聽 聽 because they always eat the bats...

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, 鈥業s this stool taken?鈥�

Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?

Are you thinking about getting your car driving license?聽 You need ...

鈥淭he Driving Instructor鈥�

鈥淥kay, let鈥檚 pull into traffic. What鈥檚 the first thing you need to do? ... Besides praying. No, what I had in mind was checking the rear-view mirror.

Don鈥檛 pull out! Please don鈥檛 cry. I鈥檓 sorry, but there was this bus ...

All right, the lane is clear. Let鈥檚 get up a bit more speed. Well, I didn鈥檛 want to cover reverse this early, but as long as you鈥檝e shifted into it ...

Of course 测辞耻鈥檙别 nervous. I鈥檓 nervous. Don鈥檛 pay any attention to the honking. You鈥檙e doing fine. No, as long as 测辞耻鈥檙别 here on the safety island, 测辞耻鈥檙别 not blocking anyone ...



by Bob Newhart

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I鈥檓 going with male.

LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?聽 聽

A farmer whose land is next to the wall of an insane asylum is running his tractor through his strawberry field. A man pops his head above the wall and asks the farmer, "what are you doing?"

FARMER: I'm putting manure on my strawberries.
ASYLUM INMATE: You know, in here we're supposed to be crazy, but we put sugar and whipped cream on ours.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many autopsies have you done on dead people?
CORONER: All the autopsies I've done were on dead people.

* * *

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how did you determine that the man was dead?
CORONER: He wasn't breathing and his heart wasn't beating.
A: And so, you could conclude that he was dead?
C: Yes, there was no question that he was dead.
A: So, just because he wasn't breathing and his heart wasn't beating, is there any other sign or symptom that lead you to believe the man was dead.
C: His brain was in a jar on my desk.
A: And so there's no way he could be alive.
C: I suppose he could be alive and practicing law somewhere.

A man dies and finds himself sent straight to hell. Satan meets him, shows him the doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one room to spend eternity in.

In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The man says, 鈥淣ot this one, let me see the next room.鈥� In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. He says no again.

Finally Satan opens up the door to the third room. People are聽 standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The man says, 鈥淚 pick this room.鈥�

Satan says OK and starts to leave, and the man wades into the dirt and starts to pour
himself some coffee. As he reaches the door, Satan turns back and yells, 鈥淥K, coffee break鈥檚 over. Everyone back on your heads!鈥�



Seen on Reddit

A woman crossing the street in New York City is stopped by a strange funeral procession.

Two black hearses precede a woman walking with a vicious-looking dog on a leash. Behind the woman and dog is a long line of women walking single file behind her and taking up several city blocks.

The pedestrian woman, unable to comprehend what she's seeing, steps up next to the woman with the dog and says: "What is the meaning of this strange procession?"

Dog Woman: It's a funeral. Up there in the first hearse is my husband.
Pedestrian: Oh my God! How did he die?
DW: [gesturing at the dog] The dog attacked him.
P: Oh my God, that's terrible! [and after a pause] Who's in the second hearse?
DW: His mother.
P: Oh my God! How did she die?
DW: She tried to get between my husband and the dog.
P: [thoughtfully] Can I borrow the dog?
DW: [gesturing behind her] Get in line.

A Buddhist approaches a New York City street hotdog vendor.

Buddhist: Make me one with everything.

The vendor attends to the task and when finished, hands the product to the Buddhist and says, "That'll be three bucks."

The Buddhist hands over a five dollar bill and waits for his change. The vendor pockets the fiver and begins making a hotdog for the next customer in line.

Buddhist: Hey! What about my change?
Vendor: Ah. The change must come from within.

goodolboy wrote:

Looks like you had a wonderful time.

How do you stop people Line Dancing?



Cut off their thumbs.

My friend and I were out for a walk when we noticed a giant hole in the field. We聽 walked up to the hole and threw in a small rock鈥攏o sound, no sign of it hitting the bottom. So we found a larger rock and threw it into the hole. Again, there was no sound and no signs of it hitting the bottom.

My friend noticed a bunch of railway sleepers along the forest line nearby. We lugged the giant hunk of wood to the hole and threw it in. Again, there was no sound and no
signs of that heavy thing ever hitting the bottom.

Then, out of nowhere, a goat came running toward us at full speed and jumped into the hole! We were so freaked out that we ran off to go and find help. A farmer pulled up in his pickup truck shortly after. We flagged him down and asked if he was missing a goat. We told him how the goat had jumped into the hole.

The farmer found the story puzzling and responded, 鈥淲ell, it couldn鈥檛 have been my goat. My goat was tied up to a railway sleeper.鈥�



Seen on Reddit

Yankee ingenuity?

Hope it comes out all right in the end!

OceanBeach92107 wrote:

Yankee ingenuity?

[img align=C]https://gordythomas.files.wordpress.com/2021/10/fb_img_1635091201794.jpg[/url]

May be popular among certain gruops in the community.

OceanBeach92107 wrote:

[img align=C]https://gordythomas.files.wordpress.com/2021/10/screenshot_20211027-214708_instagram.jpg[/url]

Hope posts like that dont effect the stock price

A construction worker sits down in his favorite pub at the end of a long, exhausting week. He orders a beer and takes a sip in pure bliss. From the corner of his eye he notices an attractive woman, but he pays no mind. All he can think of is the glass in his hand, filled to the brim with golden ale.

As the night progresses, the attractive woman places herself next to him. As she orders a drink, she flirtatiously asks, 鈥淪o, big man, any concrete plans tomorrow?鈥�

The worker laughs and takes a big gulp of beer. 鈥淗oney,鈥� he answers with a drunk grin on his face. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 work weekends.鈥�



Seen online

Free 'nature' textured concrete! Union card not required.

After a few too many, the bartender cuts off a customer. The drunk slinks off his stool and stumbles out the door.
A minute later, he stumbles back in through a side door and slurs, 鈥淏artender, pour me a drink.鈥�
鈥淛辞别!鈥� yells the bartender. 鈥淚 eighty-sixed you!鈥�
Joe again staggers out the front door, only to re-enter moments later through the side door.
鈥淏artender, pour me a drink.鈥�
鈥淕et outta here!鈥�
Again, out the front door and back in the side door.
鈥淏artender 鈥︹��
鈥淛辞别!鈥�
鈥淗ey,鈥� says Joe indignantly, 鈥渉ow many bars do you work at?鈥�



BILL BADE, Owner, The Midwest Bartender鈥檚 School